THE "BEER ME" DIET
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost
all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily
caloric intake of
1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the
medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me"
diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women,
and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic,
which causes the water
to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent
workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair),
fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you
sleep-even when you
aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation,
counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may
experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake
up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly
additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good
for your heart. After just one
day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly
want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help
prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you
can eat anything you want. The
only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have
consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way
the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until
you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time,
the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars,
where other forms of
exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to
build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you
really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up
to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme,
you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone
who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts,
let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and
should be attempted
during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and
basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by
the liquor store and stock up.
Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption
process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge
around all day,
feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may
have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef
jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely
no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing
that your appetite has
still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption
goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you."
This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than
1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports
day. This is a very
convenient diet during football season, but it can be
successfully implemented year-round. There is some major
professional sport being played every day of the year except
the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game
(fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to
cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the
Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner,
well rested, and
surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation
for the upcoming weekend.
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